Awoken by the faint words on a screen
In the middle of some alien city far away from home
Words familiar, words gentle and kind
Words from a hand touched endless times…
“How is your day, how do you feel”
I can sense her mind drifting over from afar
Gently reaching out, caring, remembering
Hours, days, weeks of being one with each other
A miracle… Prayed to the gods in all four quarters
Of the universe and then they bestow a ray of sunshine
In a world that had become all pain, all gray, all lost
She is there, thinking, for a brief moment, of my soul.
A miracle that would not last…
A hug, so gentle, after such a long time of pain,
A flirt, a laugh, a smile, a touch.
Will it ever be good? Will we ever heal?
What happened? Where are we?
Attracted by the sheer overwhelming power of all
Our being to each other.
The sense of belonging, of comfort like nothing before
Or after
Is still hanging like morning mist between us
While the icy night of winter is falling over silent forests
Yet again.
Lifted up, body on body, a last time, I swirl you around,
And hear your voice, my eternal friend -
In four short months you made it to the top of all the people
In the world I can miss the least, anchored into my heart.
I feel you loss every moment, every second,
Betrayed, forgiving, ashamed, innocent, full of faults,
Burnt alive by circumstances and people I can’t control
And within all of the chaos over every harsh moment
I look for you and hope you know
How much you mean to me…
Every thought how I could make your life better,
How I could elevate you, how I could see you smile,
Just one more time, hear you laugh just one more time -
And be the cause of your joys not the reason for your tears…
Oh how I wish, I had been yours for four long years …
I would have given you everything under the sun
As far and wide as my dreams for us could touch the stars…
Silence.
But you don’t share, you don’t open up,
you don’t call for help, don’t send your words of pain,
Like a ghostly figure, like a dream…
You must be in so much pain, so much anger…
And I wish I knew.
If it was not for all those memories,
Better and deeper than life itself
I’d imagine we just dreamed of each other
and it was all just a story made up.
A miracle… you are here and I am the most humbled person
In front of you,
Every word you say, I appreciate your presence so much,
Every touch, I want to hold on to it and die with it.
The moment so surreal, my love for you so deep,
We hug for one long moment and I kiss your hair.
Nothing changed, everything changed, we both are here,
You don’t let go, I don’t let go, the night sinks around us…
Why did you get under my skin so deep and touched my soul?
Of course I know, and I believe you felt it too…
Those moments when against all rational thought
We confessed love to each other, deep at night, we felt it both.
Just a few weeks ago, not that long ago,
When I was holding you tight and you were holding onto me,
And we burst out the love we felt for each other,
I felt it, you did too, it was true and deep.
It was not just between the sheets.
A miracle that you came and spent some time with me,
Reached out and felt so close
Was it really for just one last time?
It did not feel like that. It felt like more. Felt like a possible beginning.
It felt like understanding grown,
Like realization that we have something special binding us,
That no matter what the universe throws at us,
In the hurricane of cosmic violence,
The brevity of unpredictable life,
We had found each other for a moment.
I can never get upset with you
I felt too much for you.
I try to respect your silence and pain,
Even when its costing me the most in self restraint,
And silent suffering.
I want to help, want to apologize,
I wish I knew how I hurt you.
I wish you’d talk to me and said out loud
All the things that are wrong with me,
All the things that pull you away from me,
I wish I could at least try to understand.
You are here, in my little haven of loneliness,
Where we spent so many hours just looking at each other,
Holding each other, dreaming of each other,
Forgetting the world in a comfort that came so natural,
Do you remember?
I remember as if it was yesterday…
And a million years ago so it now seems.
Your fingers touch mine, you sit on the couch,
You sit on my leg, intentional, I know,
You play with me, you stretch your legs,
You laugh at my silly jokes,
You show every sign of comfort and desire to reconnect.
Am I just dreaming?
A miracle to have you there, for one sweet evening.
One last evening that felt like a tender seedling
Of a new beginning.
But you said “Fuck Wednesday”...
You leave and I close the door…
But I cannot close the door…
I cannot simply close a door behind you, so
I step outside, lean against the wall
The night has grown darker around us,
And I put my hand on my heart…
And I see you put your hand towards me
Waving slowly.
The most loving departure the world ever saw.
The closest of friends,
A bond between them forged with smiles,
With laughs, with intimate thoughts shared,
With oceans and mountains and galaxies of feeling,
From silly memes and pictures of planets,
To incredible feelings wrought skin on skin.
Every moment, every single moment that we were,
That we were together,
We were one, We felt so deep,
We wrote our own little movie,
We experienced a world filled with meaning and depth,
With wonder and sympathy,
With love and letting go,
Every single moment of ordinary existence,
Was like a miracle with you,
Was something special and extraordinary,
I have never experienced any of it,
Before,
And I fear,
I never will, ever again.
Because you weren’t just someone to me.
Because who in this world is like you?
Who in this world, has your charm,
Your eyes, your voice, your mind?
Who in this world feels like I do?
Who in this world will get the feeling behind these words,
Like I know you will?
Who is going to appreciate my little shakes like you did?
Who is going to enjoy my space jokes and Mars thoughts?
Who will drive my car hard, when I am not around?
Who will walk the robot dog now that he’s in love with you?
Maybe there are so many others that vie for your presence,
So many people, better than me and there is nothing I can do.
You are young, an “independent woman”,
A beautifully strong young woman,
With desire to enjoy your freedom that you gained from suffering.
Maybe I came too early into your life. Or too late.
For happiness my timing seems always off.
Maybe there are so many dark spots on my path to you
That you see and that push you away with no chance to explain.
A miracle that Wednesday evening, I never expected to see you again,
Never expected I could have those kind words with you,
Never expected to see you laughing at my jokes,
Never thought you’d ever talk to me again.
And now?
Maybe I should just hold that last memory
As a precious final gift and hold on to it
For the rest of my life, accepting fate.
That’s so sad!
I miss sharing our fun thoughts so much,
Our chats, our discoveries and discussions,
Our words and similar interests and topics…
Like a limb ripped out of my body,
I miss you like the desert does miss the rain.
Am I waiting for a new miracle?
Was it the last chance I had?
What can I do?
Have I been thrown away?
Will I ever see you again?
Will you ever talk?
What does it all mean?
Was the depth I saw between us just an illusion?
Could I fool myself that much?
Can something that deep get lost?
Would not that be the saddest thing!
What wrong committed robbed me of any conversation?
Or stole a loving hug and a kind goodbye?
Are you torn? Are you trying to resolve a million other threads?
Are you waiting for me? Are you fleeing? Are you afraid?
She deserves every sacrifice from me.
Space, peace and comfort when she needs it.
I hope she knows,
That I’ll always be there for her.
She must know that,
I so hope.
by Lennart