Epilogue:
Could you believe it, I just saw it. The moment that your heart died away from me. I did not see it, ignored it, thought it was due To outward configurations, but no.
It was on that long trip, I broke something. A word, a sentence, a part of my being - that day. We had spent longer weekends together in pure bliss, But that day, something was off.
And I thought it was my obligation. But you clearly said no, even if I was free, you could not do it. Was it my age? My word? My body language? Was it an opinion? A sloppy expressed part of my being?
I see it now, you told me clearly. From then on, you withdrew, like a withering leave in fall. A few more days we would do wondrous things and a little life came back. But not much. I probably broke the same thing, unknowingly, over and over in you.
I was so blind, Anna. So blind.
In a way I would always feel you and know what was up. Always. But I misinterpreted your feelings. I thought it was the outside world that was off. I never realized it was something with me that disturbed your peace.
I am sorry about my blindness.
Do you think a conversation together exploring those moments Would have, then and there, led to deeper understanding and even more love? Could it have been resolved and brought us even closer? Maybe?
Instead it festered and when I was completely lost in you and gone… You were gone too… but in the other direction.
What a mess.
You felt that I would not work for you: so deeply, deeper than all the common interests, the physical and mental joy, the special and unique love that we could give each other.
I was searching far and wide for years and could not find what I had with you for those few months. Maybe it does not matter as much to you, to have common interests, longing for stars and reading poems, collecting books and lovingly cooking, swimming as a couple and driving hard with words of Ayn Rand and thoughts of Mars - while fingers gently touch deep under the skin entwined.
Maybe that’s not what you are looking for. Maybe it’s something else that puts your heart at rest. Maybe what you saw in me really hurt you. Maybe it’s just my age or looks or gait, who knows? Who can put a finger on it, we never tried…
So there is nothing I can do, no way back to ask you for a conversation or two, no way to explore or open up. You’re gone.
How I wish you had heard my words of love! I wish I had spoken about us more than we did. I wish whatever you did not like about me, I could change.
Because, even though you want me to be happy as I am, I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was with you.
Sometimes one compromise is better than a dozen years of loneliness - especially loneliness in company with people that don’t get us.
I am trying hard to live without you again…in order not to lose your friendship completely.
❦❃❦
But I miss your voice so much.
Your funny texts.
Your fingers on my arm.
Your lips on my face.
I miss your smell at night
and your face in the morning.
I miss your ankles in my hands
and your body pressed against mine.
I miss your gentle touch
and your longing eyes.
I miss your silly jokes
and your desiring cuddles.
I miss holding you
and slapping you.
I miss putting a blanket on you
and pulling the sheets from you.
I miss waking up at night,
feeling your presence
and sinking into slumber,
holding you tight.
I miss your secret look
and your happiness when you saw me.
I miss your tears to vanquish
and your hair to stroke and pet.
I miss your breasts to cherish
and your neck and ears to ravish.
I miss your eyes to kiss
and your tongue to get lost in.
I miss giving myself totally to you
and feeling you shake and pulse
until exhaustion.
I miss your word, your writing,
your thoughts, your feelings.
I miss your anger
and your sadness shared.
I miss your friendship
and your consternation.
I miss your silent presence
and your gentle aura.
I miss your kindness
and your smile and laughter.
I miss your hips
and your chest flung lovingly at mine.
I miss my hands on both your sides
and pressing hard to hold you lest you could escape.
I miss your adoration
and your deep pride in me.
I miss you in every cloud I see
and every walk I walk alone.
I miss your late arrivals
and your way too early risings.
I wish I could say
that you are like everyone else
and none of it mattered.
I wish I could bear easily
your absence like another day.
Yet I can not. You asked me often, why,
you felt so unaccomplished lost -
None could be further from the truth, my love.
I saw a sparkle of your soul
that struck a chord deep in my bosom:
and nothing could be further from the truth,
oh ordinary are you not!
I miss your teasing
and your tickles,
you sharing memes
and silly jokes.
I share your eyes when you
and I speak of the stars.
I miss your silhouette at night,
when waking up you held me tighter,
like little girl that found
safe haven till the end of the universe.
I miss your beaming face,
when you saw me approaching you
and miss your little anger
when I was way too much.
I miss it all and while one day
your memory may fade me,
I feel its loss as if I married you
one hundred years ago.
Oh yes it's sad, that you saw something
that I can’t be. That all your adoration,
love and pride in me
was gone so fast.
I wish endlessly,
that I had a chance to change it,
that you, my star-girl,
found your way back to our love.
But who are we to charge
against what fate wrought us?
Perhaps the gods took us apart
for better reasons?
And yet, my heart hopes
that such cause might bring you,
after some time-limited excursion,
of higher aspiration,
right back to me, anew and fresh,
with deeper love and deeper understanding
than before.
Ha, yes, you probably will call me dreamer,
and yes, what nature did allow us to perceive
and feel, in touch and warmth and kiss and drool -
it might have been too much for even Earth to bear,
but girl we are on a path to Mars and one day soon,
I hope so soon, my arms will once again be home to
you.
by Lennart