My timing sucked so bad this time.
The gods all gathered round,
I swear, an eon ago or more,
And planned this cruel joke.
They made a girl just perfect for my soul -
Only to give her no choice but tease
And then just when my heart fell,
Into a black hole with no hope of return,
To slam the door in front of me.
Why did they make you just so perfect?
Why couldn't they build in some outrageous issue?
The flaws I saw are less than humanly possible
That’s how I know you must be some god’s cruel joke.
It was all easy when you were someone else’s.
It wasn’t quite that simple either, but,
I kept my feelings well in check and tried to ignore.
Every time I learnt something new about you,
That utterly I loved, in shock, how could it be?
I hunkered down a little more behind my desk.
So that I would not see you, not too much of you,
And think a little less of you, distracted by some task.
And then, when gently hooked, the gods moved our story up,
Just when they noticed I was ripe caring for you.
Just when they noticed oh how weak I had become for you
Then did they throw us right at each other, that one long fateful day.
They stripped you down to the barest of all clothing,
They made you follow me along one entire day.
They made you stand in front and on my side,
In swirling tease and flirt, until I was weak and utterly defenseless.
But, you might think, that was all they had in store for us… oh no!
The rush and blur of bedroom, ecstasy,
Then sunrise, kiss, sunset, ecstasy…
Then living room, bedroom, shower, different bedroom,
Then wall, then kitchen, then city tower, on and on they took us,
Like a dam that broke and tore a trillion gallons force of water
Only to be interrupted in all utmost cruelty
By learning every week another aspect of your marvelous inner beauty
And every one of your facets
Was just the very secret passion
For oh so many special things we had in common.
The perfect weapon for my heart
The perfect tease.
The perfect innocence that I would desire
to protect and cherish for all days…
The perfect love. The perfect gift.
The perfect fate in jeopardy by some god’s hand.
I wonder if your lover next
Will cherish you the same way.
Will he appreciate how your heart warmed itself
In worlds of books and libraries as child
Exploring a world past a painful home?
Will he appreciate your childlike fascination
with stars and the universe?
Will he appreciate it when you share
pictures of exploding suns and meet your sparkle
With tears in his own eyes?
Will he lay on a bed one lazy Sunday
And explore with you his childhood spaceship drawings?
Will he investigate each single insta album pic
Till the very end when your heart is done laughing at him?
Will he appreciate your lead foot on gas pedal
And the way you take a corner
without fear of life or death, in a rush of joy?
Will he whisper your name as I did, Anyutochka?
Will he want to take you to Ayn Rand conferences
And discuss obscure philosophy and politics while
Planting flowers in your garden next to you?
Will his heart die the same gentle death
of loving affection when you cite him poems
that you memorized by heart?
Will he see the power and the beauty
In such solemn moments?
Will he run his fingers over your body, hours long,
Never tired, until sleep pulls him gently down
Besides your resting face, dreaming of his sweetness?
Will he kiss you hour-long while listening
To chants of Indian gods in gentle play
Of tongues that met as friends so long
Before they ever touched
Just by the voice and words
With which they sent each other love?
Will his heart and soul stop for a forever moment,
When he hears the sound of your voice?
Will it mean the same wonder of life just to hear
The melody with which you speak each word?
Will your moan and whisper take him far away,
As far as out of this world and meet you there?
Will he lead you to ancient temples
And mediate with you, in starry night under planets aligned?
Or hold you tight when tears flow faster
Down your cheeks than rivers of some broken spring?
Will his embrace in that very moment mean the same,
Feel the same, carry the same burden, worried only
That his presence calms and alleviates your pain?
Will he go and buy some seeds of plants with you,
And dream of gardens and homes in nature?
Will he go and buy you dresses when all you wanted
Was to pick out new shorts for him?
Will he race cars with you and wonder at classic paintings,
Strolling through some old gallery and hang out,
For hours in a little bookstore somewhere in the countryside?
Will he appreciate when you touch a little Ganesh
Or compare you to Artemis, not just in word, poem but also in bed that night?
Will you derail his life as much as you have mine,
Because you touched him deeper than anything before,
Or will you just be another girl for him, someone that comes and goes.
Will he miss all of what I saw in you?
Will he miss the path you traveled on, the one you felt,
The one a fellow traveler recognizes but no one else?
Or …
Will he have the one thing that you were looking for,
that you did not find in me?
I guess he will. I guess he will.
So then, gods, you win this cruel game of yours.
Maybe all you wanted is to humble me.
May I suggest, that I was humbled many times before?
May I suggest, that you did not have to be that cruel?
May I suggest, that perchance you could have taken her
Away after a few days instead of many moons later
When I grew so accustomed to her sweet being.
May I suggest, that you could have made her
A little less perfect..
It would have still hurt almost as much… It still would have…
Granted, you gave her to me,
In the most challenging configuration,
But I assume now,
That too, was due to your cruelty,
To make sure,
She would never become mine
No matter what I did.
Well played, I succumb to your challenge,
You win, I lost…
You gave everything,
And you took it right back.
She called me “honey”. She said “I am home”.
She said “I miss you too, when I turn around.”
Why did you have to be so cruel, gods?
She fell asleep in my arms again. And again. And again….
She woke up in the middle of the night
And pulled me to herself… made me her own.
She walked in front of me, her form a goal of all desires.
She spoke in the most beautiful of voices
A sound that touches the very bottom of my soul
With every single word she ever says.
Her voice - is it her journey, is it the stars? -
Speaks the tune and melody of my very soul.
A little bit more imperfection, gods, would have been cruel enough.
And then, WHEN you took her,
Why did you have to rip her out of my hands?
It could have been painful enough,
To talk with her for weeks
And realize all the things
She hated about me.
All the things that pressured her.
All the things that she saw
As eternal obstacle
As unavoidable roadblock
when her love started to drain.
But no! You had to send her to me,
Over and over again and then,
Just before the storm took the world away,
And left me all defenseless and alone,
- You timed it perfectly -
You added another storm
Even more painful.
Well played.
When she came that last time,
Before the world turned into endless tears,
We spoke and leaning forward kissed so passionately hard.
Your final tease - a moment that was so full of desire,
It almost made me feel thus certain of her love,
And fell to one last slumber in arms and legs encased.
That’s how you took her from me.
She was gone already so far gone,
And yet you made me think,
It was just the beginning.
Well played.
You cruelty is legendary.
Every day I built a company that strangulated
And tore and ripped my heart
And pushed and shoved me to the ground -
And every week you saw me rise again, get up,
And challenge fate that pointed all against me.
Was it your plan to grow a newer person?
A wiser, stronger, harder, and more self-advanced
And tested, challenged, more perfected me?
The pain in these five years was legendary.
Not many will ever fathom to what depth we went.
Yet, for some reason,
Then you sat in council.
And you thought “he did not suffer well enough yet,
Oh let us give him one more bigger challenge.”
Make sure he signs away his life to endless bureaucracy,
And disappointed love over and over, then
Let’s give him everything he ever wanted in a woman.”
“And when he finally steps into the sling,
Let’s swing her away from him” - “Yes” -
“But in the most cruel way
Only gods can make possible”.
And they succeeded.
Every day with you was pure poetry,
In these four short months, I poured my heart
Into you as never before and all I hoped for,
Was to find someone as beautiful
And perfect as you to cherish and hold dear.
And to never bring you disappointment.
But that’s where I was setup to fail, wasn’t I?
Maybe I should be satisfied that I saw your beauty
For such a short time.
Shorter, perhaps than anyone else,
Who will ever love you, even when,
They will only ever see a fraction of what we had.
Perhaps I should be thankful for the lesson,
Your blissful presence provided me day-in day-out.
But, babe, the thought, that other’s will have you
For much much longer than I ever could,
And enjoy you or maybe just enjoy you half-heartedly,
When you are nothing but perfection in my eyes,
That thought, that thought … it breaks my heart.
I hope you really felt, during those weeks
When we were one, when we felt like there was nothing more beautiful
Than our union, I hope, I really hope,
That you felt more appreciated than ever before.
And that you promise me never to stop, never to halt,
Until you find someone better than me, more perfect yet.
I hope that you felt so loved and cared for like out of this world.
I hope that you have memories for a lifetime and long for me forever.
I hope that you will remember us and never forget what we had.
Maybe one day, my love, maybe one day, baby,
The gods will lift their evil spell and it will cease.
Maybe one day, they will pity us and resent their
Playful cruelty, maybe one day they will.
Maybe one day, standing under an ocean of stars,
May we find each other again.
Maybe one day.
by Lennart